I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
