Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
