the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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