So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
