I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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