I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
