Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
