you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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