Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
