My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
