fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
