I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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