all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
