I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
