Betty ford says i'm here all night
just tell him i said nine months
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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