i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm just crazy horny about you
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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