I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
