A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
