R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
