I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize