Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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