Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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