I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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