yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
