I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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