Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
