The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
