I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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