So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
