it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
