arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my shit smells like andre
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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