remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
