At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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