Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
