I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
