The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
