I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
