Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Randomize