I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
