I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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