You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
