My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
