I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He did a backflip because drugs
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
