Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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