I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
why do cheetos always look like penises
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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