I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
