Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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