R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
