I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
