The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
