dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
