that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
