stop calling my apartment porn island.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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