i wish peter jackson would direct porn
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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