just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
