Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
