the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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